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We were taught a great many lessons by Mastumoto last night in Dainipponjin, and I plan to outline just a few of them. For anyone who missed out, you're just a plain chump. I'm tired of being nice. We've warned everyone how awesome these last few screenings are going to be, and by now you should just know to show up.
Don't give me that, that's no excuse.
Dainipponjin taught us that the male nipple does have magical and practical uses. So many years men felt empty because their nipples didn't serve any real purpose. We dreamed of being able to use them, like women, to provide life. We though 'hey, what if they served the common good and produced useful healthy fluids? Like beer or motor oil?' Now we know, they're essentially electrical outlets. And baby's best not be messing with them.
We discovered the most effective defense mechanism this side of 'duck and cover'. Baby or Die! is surely the most potent and handy finishing move that anyone can integrate into their self-defense scheme. Perhaps that's what Michael Jackson was onto all those years ago. I just severely doubt his baby would be capable of that kind of menace. Lindsay Lohan's first born, however, might just be the one.
Dainipponjin also taught us that movies sometimes echo real life. I can't remember how many times I've seen a giant superhero fight a big red baddie and thought to myself; this CG battle to save my city is entirely too far fetched. Wouldn't it make more sense if everyone were in costumes, beating eachother up Disneyland style?
Finally, we learned that superpowers are hereditary. If your Dad could grow into a giant crimefighter, then so can you. This makes me wonder what Baby or Die's life will be like, not to mention its offspring. It also gives me hope for the future because if I'm going to inherit my father's superpowers it means I'll very soon be awesome at driving really big trucks and growing moustaches.
Thank you Dainipponjin. because of you, my future is brighter.
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